*** THIS IS A RETELLING OF A DIVINE EVENT, TREAT THE CONTENTS AS SUCH ***
*** DATE:1/22/23 10:22 P.M. ***
It. . . its you! Oh my god! I thought I was dead! Why must I be wrestled into this realm!
Wait, what is this? Why do I smell . . . rosemary?
Yes, this is not Litrinaht. It is, in fact, the inverse. Pandemeownium, I call it. A truly dreadful place, built to torment the worst of cats, and I have to be here on account of you.
Mittens rolled his eyes, but found the strength to not yell at Astalba. An almost improbable act.
What do you mean? I just went into the elevator and I . . . I don’t know. I was stuck in some place for what felt like years! Is the war over already, have we lost?
I suppose it must have felt like years, for you were in purrgatory. Also, no, the war has not yet started, and this is why I would like to speak to you. I need all the information that you have.
Oh, no way am I saying anything! You do know I am a replaceable, worthless husk of a couch, right? I ain’t saying nothin’!
You do realize I have extensive experience in torture, right? You may think you will stay strong, but they all break eventually.
Oh, and who do you think you are? Little fluffy-poo?
OH, you wanna go? You do not want to underestimate me. I am the protector of this realm, punisher of those deemed unworthy, and as a couch, the sworn enemy of my people, you are deemed quite unworthy.
HA! What can a little kitty like you do?
Mittens then proceeded to demonstrate what he could do. A reddish-orange resonance emanated from has head, and was directed towards Lawson. No being had ever made it through this punishment. Lawson slumped down and went unconscious, presumably due to unbearable pain.
My word, what awful power.
You bet’cha! inflicting pain is what I was built for! I looooove doing it!
Shimo glanced at Astalba, his lord, who was clearly pained by these actions. Nonetheless, the cat realm was on its last legs, they needed any leads they could get.
HAHAhahaha–*cough* *cough – Oh my, OH MY GOD! I GOT YOU! I GOT YOU SO BAD!
The three cats were startled beyond belief; Lawson was ecstatic after being tortured.
OH MAN, you guys do know I am supposed to be an inanimate object, right? I am literally a couch, dude, I don’t feel pain!
The three cats turned away from Lawson, dejected. Lawson continued cackling on behind them. All three breathed a huge sigh almost synchronously.
Astalba, you IDIOT! No way you fought two wars against these guys and didn’t even find out they can’t feel pain. That is LUDICROUS!
Mittens, we were not simply trying to inflict pain during the wars, we were destroying the couches. Blowing them up, setting them ablaze, throwing them into the infinite abyss. Inanimate objects are just as susceptible to destruction as animate ones.
So can we even make him talk? I would just like to destroy him right now, his smug look is making me itch for violence.
Ah, fine. I will permit it. Just allow me to leave first, I do not want to witness this.
Sure, boss, but I notice you acting all high and mighty. You are not above violence. I was once part of you, my violence was once part of you. Don’t forget that.
Astalba scowled, and zipped away without a trace. Shimo soon followed.
Oh, by the way, to help our cause against the couches, please consider donating cat toys to his divinity. To do so, visit our website.
