*** THIS IS A RETELLING OF A DIVINE EVENT, TREAT THE CONTENTS AS SUCH ***
*** DATE: 1/22/23 10:03 P.M. ***
Hello, welcome to Litrinaht, realm of the cat–
Yes, yes, would you shut up already? I know your business Shimo. I do not have time for it.
This entity was cloaked in dripping black smoke, or gunk, or something in between. This was clearly a masquerade and meant to be difficult to understand. Clearly, he must have been having a bad day.
Excuse me? How dare you speak with that tone in the realm of the cat–
Would you PLEASE shut up about the cat god!? I know this is his realm, and that is why I am here.
Well, if you would kindly tell me where to direct you, I would be happy–
JUST SEND ME TO ASTALBA! WE HAVE URGENT BUSINESS!
Yes- yes, sir. Just go over to the elevator with Astalba written on it.
The mysterious entity glanced over to his right to see a magnificent elevator, a sign that read ‘Astalba’ hung just above the two-story marble doors, which stood out like a sore thumb against the furry walls of Litrinaht. This sign glowed like no other material could, and simply radiated divinity. It was a miracle that this entity did not notice it.
I am almost sorry, Shimo. I should have noticed that, must be my stupid couch-eye-field-of-view.
Hmm? Did you just say something about couches?
The entity froze, and created an unbelievably awkward five to seven seconds. Then, it replied,
Nothing, is something wrong?
No, not really, just if you are arriving here, you should know that couches are a touchy subject, not to be joked about.
What even is your business here anyways? How do you know my name?
The entity ignored the questions, and approached the elevator, and the doors would not budge. Obviously, the gate to the cat god himself would not be so easily accessible.
Shimo! Is this some sort of trick!? I swear if you are messing with me!
Hmm, surely you would not even dare swear in such a place as holy as Litrinaht?
What?
Oh, well of course not! That was merely a figure of speech!
Yes, obviously. . . I do have reason to believe you are not worthy of this place. You are really bad at acting like it, if you were even trying.
This entity began to. . melt, so to speak. As if he was sweating, but with gross smoky goop instead of normal sweat.
Huh? You trying to start somethin’? I could end you right now, you know!
So be it. I truly am holier than thou, you COUCH!
With this revelation, the entity’s façade fell apart. His shield of goop slithering away, and revealing a gaudy, flower-print sofa. The couch was lost for words, almost pleading for Shimo’s mercy.
So the cat god himself was correct. Not that I had any reason to doubt him. The third sofa war is really on the horizon, huh?
Ugh . . . fine. Yes, that is why I must see Astalba. I need to deliver our master’s formal declaration of war.
Okay, then. I suppose I have no reason to stop you. Just know, now that vermin like you is recognized as such by this realm, this will be no easy journey. Also, can I get your name? It’s just so I can put in a ticket to the cat god.
Oh okay, Lawson. My name’s Lawson.
Alright Lawson, looks like you are good to go! Just step into that painfully obvious elevator.
The two story marble doors of the elevator started to creak open. Lawson stepped into it, and was immediately shot down at the speed of light.
What a fool, I will be able to get his message to Astalba in a fraction of the time.
War is truly upon us, and if that is an indicator for how this will go, judgement will be swift.
