*** THIS IS A RETELLING OF A DIVINE EVENT, TREAT THE CONTENTS AS SUCH ***
*** DATE: 1/22/23 10:10 P.M. ***
Lawson had been falling at the speed of light for about 7 years, but to the rest of us, it was a couple of minutes. The cat god was awaiting him down in a truly deplorable room. Covered in matted fur, and reeking of. . . rosemary? This had to be the interrogation room. The cat god had sensed some trouble in the lobby, and wanted to see it for themself.
What is wrong with this elevator? He should have arrived about 4 minutes ago!
SHIMO! COME TO HIS DIVINITY!
At a moment’s notice, Shimo was summoned directly to the cat god. Shimo was a little stunned.
Yes, my lord? What is the meaning of this disturbance?
Shimo, you sent the vermin up the elevator, yes?
Up? I thought the way to the interrogation room was down!?
Poor Shimo, have your teleportation abilities taken away your spatial awareness? Perhaps his divinity should bestow this power upon someone more capable. Now that vermin couch is in Purrgatory! We will need his permission to rescue him.
No. . .
Yes, Shimo. We need to talk to Mittens.
The two of them were instantly transported to Pandemeownium. The Inverse of Litrinaht, a place for the worst cats imaginable. A cat hell, if you will. A constant ringing of a vacuum cleaner filled the air, the smell of rosemary which lingered in the interrogation room was overwhelming here, and seas of cats cried out in agony to their god. Any imaginable aspect of life here was tailored to make a cat’s life hell. Just before Shimo and the cat god were to pass out from despair, a cute little British longhair kitten approached them. Shimo and the cat god recoiled in fear.
Howdy, my main man Astalba! What brings you down to the worst place imaginable, which YOU created! Don’t forget, YOU also created ME to live here for eternity to manage all of the worst cats imaginable. Isn’t that wonderful? I hate my life, which YOU are solely responsible for!
How many times do I have to tell you, Mittens!? The best person to deal with the worst cats has to be one of the worst cats themselves! I am sorry your life is constant sorrow, but that is how it must be!
But why must these cats endure eternal pain even though some of them may not deserve it! It is almost like you should strive for the betterment of ALL cats, not just the ones that you deem worthy. Even then, why would you shape cats in any image other than that which you find to be perfect, huh? It is almost as if you are creating flawed cats, and just dooming them to an eternity of suffering for the fun of it. Ooh! And on top of that, I get to deal with these monsters for an eternity, isn’t THAT fun?!
I do not have time for these games, I have come here for business, obviously. My emissary here, Shimo, has accidentally plunged a being into purrgatory, and we humbly request your permission to remove it.
Well . . . what kind of being? I would want to know what I am unleashing back upon the realm before it exits.
The cat god fell silent, not wanting to tell Mittens of all people that he needed to rescue a couch.
Mittens, sir. It is a couch. His divinity would like to speak with it.
OH MY GOD! Look at that! The protector and lord of all cats would like to speak with a couch! He would rather rescue one of our mortal enemies from purrgatory rather than save all of the cats suffering in Pandemeownium. This is truly a new low! I am very impressed!
Listen! I am very sorry for what you have to go through, and what all of these lost cat souls have to go through daily, but the existence of Pandemeownium creates an incentive for cats to behave well, okay? Anyway, it is not like I am saving this couch for the hell of it. They have declared war again, and I need more info, or we may be doomed. I am not betraying my people, Mittens! Okay?!
Wow. You always could give a great speech, Astalba. Anyways, I’m only letting that couch leave if you get all of these cats out of here, and destroy Pandemeownium. We’ve spent far too many centuries down here, you know?
Mittens, you have tried to get me to do this many times, and I have not budged. Believe it or not, there is a good reason, I just haven’t had the courage to say it.
Mittens’ eyes widened, both Shimo and him knew something big was happening in Astalba.
I-uh, . . . umm, I can’t get rid of this place. By that . . . I mean, I physically cannot destroy Pandemeownium.
What?
Did I stutter, Mittens! I can’t do it. I’m not powerful enough to do it!
Oh, I heard you, alright. Just, wow. I think that is the first time you have seemed, real, if you know what I mean. You would always apologize and just brush me off. You were never truly sorry. I was always there for the ‘greater good’. My suffering was ‘important’.
It meant nothing.
But just now, you seemed like you were really talking to me, on an equal playing field. Incredible. Also, you can’t do it? Why not? I thought you had complete control over this realm. That is slightly worrying.
I think I opened up enough, we really just need to get that couch out of there, please.
You know what, Mr. God? I think you earned it. Just know, nothing you say will make me forgive you for what you have done.
Okay, thank you. I just want to get this over with.
The three of them approached the Pandemeownium entrance of Purrgatory and Through the combined will of Mittens and Astalba, Lawson was released.
Nice to see you again, Lawson, now let’s get talking.
